Metaphysical Artifacts

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The Doppelganger's Satchel

The Satchel's primary effect is that its user is able to take from it any item that exists in the party's current inventory. This means that the bag's contents mirror those of the entire party's respective backpacks.

The bag takes on the appearance of an ordinary belt satchel, is impervious to any Detect Magic spells (any such attempts will result in the bag not being detected as magical), and has numerous dangerous metaphysical glitches.

The satchel first appears on an NPC. This NPC will approach any of the PC's while wielding one of their weapons (i.e. "A suspiciously familiar-looking naginata") or wearing part of their wardrobe ("His armor doesn't appear to fit him properly").

Carry limits are only partially enforced with the Satchel - the party's inventory is not automatically added to the bag's until an item is retrieved from it. Returning the item to the bag does not remove its weight from the carrier, making it a bad idea to remove and replace several heavy items. The carry weight resets back to the base weight of the bag (7 oz) after one day.

Adding new items to the bag that the players do not own will randomly add that item to one player's inventory (it's up to the DM to decide whose; typically the most overburdened or weakest). Taking an item out of the bag and handing it to the player is an easy form of duplication, though its carrier will likely not do this.

If any player attempts to pick up this bag, its creator is summoned to give them a stern talking-to about the metaphysical consequences of having a recursive inventory. He will not leave the party alone until the bag is returned to him.

Delayed Wallet

The Delayed Wallet is a container capable of storing Very Small items. It is divided into two halves - the user can place and retrieve items from the left half at his/her leisure. The right half represents the state of the left half one hour in the past. The user may place an object in the left half of the wallet, wait one hour, and retrieve a duplicate of the item from the right half. However, items retrieved by the right half of the wallet will disappear if their equivalent in the left half has been absent from the wallet as of one hour in the past. If this happens, when the "delayed" item resumes existing, it is reverted back to the wallet's right half instead of remaining where it was before the item was removed from the left half.

It may be considered a crime to use money retrieved from the right half of the wallet, unless the money is never removed from the left half afterwards. This may be difficult to keep track of.


The Metadie appears to be a polyhedron carved from ivory, with digits crudely etched into its twenty faces. The Metadie was rumored to be a gambler's favorite until he was exiled from the gambling resort that he called his home.

The Metadie will allow its user to perform things that they are ordinarily unskilled at, as long as any other party member has that skill. To use the Metadie, you must first have attempted any skill roll and failed. Metadie will allow you to roll that skill again, using the skill of any other member of the party. The Metadie will only work three times per day, until any further attempts to use it will result in it rolling ones for the next twenty four hours.

Duality Katana

Appears to be an ordinary katana when found. If anyone attempts to pick up said katana, it no longer exists, and in its place is an ordinary-looking book, evidently a copy of a children's book written in some foreign language.

Opening the book causes the reader to unsheath the katana. The katana randomly becomes the children's book at the whim of the DM.

The "One" Ring

An exquisitely crafted golden ring with some form of Elvish writing on the inside. When worn, prevent any d20 rolls on part of the wearer; these rolls are assumed to be 1, even when using Metadie. The ring's effect can also be invoked on a target for three turns by throwing it at someone, and its effect is infinite, however any physical contact with the ring (even through most armors) will also invoke its effects on the toucher for three turns.

(Hint for usage: Mage Hand does not invoke the Ring's effects, nor does lifting it with Tenser's Floating Disk or any other form of telekinesis. Elvish writing translates into "One ring to rule them all, one ring to make them all roll for shit.")

The "Twenty" Rings

A pile of silver rings. All of them must be worn at the same time for their spell to take effect. When equipped, the Twenty Rings will guarantee ONE perfect roll of d20, at which point the rings will explode into fragments, dealing 1d6-1 damage per fragment (40 fragments total, originating from the wearer's hands).

Fragment distribution is determined by the DM taking a pile of "debris" and dropping it d20 inches above the map. Any mini that is hit will take one fragment worth of damage per object that hit them.

Due to the Twenty Rings' size, it is very difficult for some people to fit all twenty of them on their hands. Gnomes and Halflings will not be able to fit all twenty rings on their hands. Half-Orcs may be able to fit all twenty on one hand.

The Twenty Rings can potentially be weaponized as such, but due to their nature, you cannot use the Twenty Rings' guaranteed 20 on the Rings' explosive fragmentation.

Strange Headband (Infinity Bandana)

An ordinary cotton headband, seems twice as long as it should be. On the center of the cloth, there is a small embroidered infinity symbol.

This headband has the bizarre effect of making any quivers, bullet pouches, or other expendable NON-MAGIC ammunition effectively limitless. Wearing the Infinity Bandana while attempting to fire any magic ammunition causes said projectile to shatter on impact, doing no more damage than an ordinary shot with said munitions, but also preventing the ammo from being retrieved.

The Infinity Bandana only takes effect if worn on the forehead with no other headgear (not counting magical earrings).

Shoulder Hwacha

A hollowed out wooden log with a single oversized fuse sticking out the back of it. If lit, after the fuse burns down, fifty rocket-powered arrows fire out of the front end of the Hwacha, dealing basic arrow type damage over a 40 foot radius area effect. The Hwacha is extremely difficult to reload during battle, requiring fifty arrows, fifty gunpowder rockets, and ten feet of rope, and approximately seven hours to assemble them. The hollowed out log never wears down and will not need to be replaced under normal circumstances.

Ordinary users of the Hwacha need to roll percent die; under ten percent will cause the Hwacha to explode instead of firing its payload, dealing 2d8 fire damage plus 1d6 physical damage. Alchemists ignore this percentile check and always fire the Hwacha safely.


A bizarre artifact that appears to be a crossbow, but there is no drawstring or recurve attached. It is a blunderbuss, gunpowder-propelled, with a chain attached just below the barrel. A second blunderbuss is attached in a similar way with this chain. A user with a strength rating of +4 or higher can fire both blunderbusses at once with a severe to-hit penalty (strength of +3 or below will sustain 1d4 recoil damage and the shot will never hit), or it can be used by Monks as a melee weapon, with a percentile roll of 15 or higher required to avoid having either half of the Nunchuckgun fire while being flung about (at which point it's entirely up to the DM who the shot actually hits, if anyone at all).

The Nunchuckgun is found with a pair of sunglasses and a Reesie-Cup milkshake. The sunglasses will grant a Coolness bonus to attacks using the Nunchuckgun, which does not actually affect the stats in any way. The Reesie-Cup milkshake just tastes real good. The Nunchuckgun counts as an Exotic and Ranged weapon, requiring proficiency in both to use effectively (or just Exotic weapon proficiency for melee attacks).

Manic Miner

A pickaxe imbued with the soul of an extremely restless prospector. Every single attack made using the Manic Miner counts as three, for 1d4 damage per strike. The Manic Miner can be used to break down some walls, much faster than with an ordinary pickaxe, but the Manic Miner also breaks down three times as fast and will likely sunder itself if used to break down too many walls without having it inspected by a qualified blacksmith.

The Manic Miner counts as an Improvised weapon, as it is not intended to deal damage to living targets.

Potion of Culinary Excellence

You can use this Potion, retrieved from the Union of Alchemical Cantropy, to make any food taste excellent and improve its nourishing properties. It can be used on any object that is considered Inedible to make it taste good enough to swallow. The bottle has a small label written in Runic (must be translated by anybody with Knowledge [arcana], difficulty 15, or with the proper written language skill, which translates into: "SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Use of the Potion on harmful objects does not remove their harmful properties. It may not be advisable to use the Potion on swords, rotten food, corpses, poisons, or Alchemist's Fire."

Magic Missile Launcher

A long, narrow, hollow iron tube with a handle on one end, a button, and a red arrow on the left side pointing forward. When its button is pressed, the Magic Missile launcher launches one cast of Magic Missile at a caster level of 10. The Launcher first needs a target, which will take approximately one round for it to acquire, otherwise the Launcher will misfire and discharge its energy into the square directly in front of its user for 2d6 damage.

After it is used, the Magic Missile Launcher must be reloaded by a specially trained mage, or else must be discarded.

Triality Scroll

A magical scroll that can be used by any character that can read scrolls. The scroll, similarly to the Duality Katana, changes form on the whims of the DM. However, this scroll has three forms instead of two. Its basic form is a scroll of Featherfall. Occasionally it will become a scroll of Lightning Bolt that is treated as Caster Level 10. However, most (but not all!) direct attempts to read it as a Lighting Bolt will result in the scroll magically shapeshifting into a Scroll of Anti-Tittilation, a scroll that contains a picture of its reader depicted in the nude in a compromising position. (Will save versus nausea, difficulty 10.)

The Triality Scroll self-recharges both spells at the end of the day. Attempting to cast the scroll spells more than once a day ALWAYS results in it transforming into the Scroll of Anti-Tittilation.

Wide-Brimmed Hat of Investigative Senses

This hat, when worn in direct contact with the user's head, grants its wearer a +5 bonus to all Spot, Search, and Knowledge (Local) checks. However, Move Silently takes a -5 penalty, as the wearer suddenly has an uncontrollable urge to begin melodramatically talking to themselves in a low, gravelly voice. Conversation is also altered: "Money" in all senses must be referred to as "Dough", and women as "Dames" or "Broads". Projectile weapons are always "Pieces".


Once per day, pressing the button on this three inch by two inch slab of iron will cause it to play the user's favorite song, granting Bard Song +1 effects for one whole combat. After having pressed the button, the user may opt to press it again and roll percent-die for the following effects:

  • 1-5: iBard begins playing nothing but static. Bard Song +1 effect immediately ends.
  • 6-15: iBard plays a song that the whole party agrees on. Bard Song +1 effect for the entire party for the rest of the combat.
  • 16-30: iBard plays a popular Gnomish ballad. If the user is a Gnome, Bard Song +2 for the rest of the combat. If the user is not a Gnome, Bard Song effect immediately ends due to the music being too bizarre for non-Gnomes.
  • 31-50: iBard plays an even more awesome song, but its volume fluctuates. Bard Song +2 for the rest of the combat, but roll percent die every round (just before player phase) to determine if song is audible or not. (below 20: Bard Song +2 ineffective this round.)
  • 51-70: iBard plays an emotionally moving song at high volume. Every humanoid in combat breaks down in tears.
  • 71-80: iBard plays something really intense and powerful. Bard Song +2 for everyone in combat.
  • 81-90: iBard plays soemthing really irritating. Mages take twice as long to cast their spells, unless a Concentration check (difficulty 15) is made.

91-100: iBard announces its intention of self-destructing within the next twelve seconds (two rounds) and must be thrown the next round or else its holder will suffer 3d6 explosive damage. The explosion is small enough that it will only do damage if someone is holding the iBard at the time.

Laser Pants

To use the Laser Pants, the user may not be wearing any armor or clothing other than the Laser Pants - no shirt, shoes, armor, rings, earrings, amulets, or hats may be worn or the Laser Pants will not function. Wearer may at any time during their turn in combat engage in the MC Hammer dance (move action; must move five feet) which will cause the Laser Pants to fire lasers at the target of the wearer's choosing for 3d6 damage. Laser Pants can only be invoked once - as soon as the lasers have finished firing, they loudly announce, "STOP - Hammertime!", and become so stiff that the wearer can no longer move his/her legs while the Laser Pants are being worn. Recharging the Laser Pants would require the universe to be destroyed, recreated, and for it to be the year 1990 again.

Infinite Improbability Key

A key that takes a theoretically-infinite number of potential forms. When used in any lock, the Key randomly becomes any key in the universe. The key can randomly be a plastic toy key, a skeleton key, a cylinder key, a Keyblade, an M4 Master Key (with no ammo), a drum-head adjustment key, an Allen key, anything. Taking twenty on getting this key to become the key of the user's choice will take roughly a fortnight.

Vase of Floral Facial Rearrangement

This vase is specifically designed for the rigors of improvised-weapon combat. It is extremely durable and will not shatter if used as a melee weapon and does damage as if it were a heavy club. However, adding an arrangement of real, live flowers (including appropriate water) will add an additional 2d6 damage to strikes using the vase. Arranging flowers in the vase requires flowers, water, and 30 seconds (5 rounds). Attacking with the vase while it has a floral arrangement in it will give the vase a 50% chance that its arrangement will fly out, water included. If the floral arrangement is particularly nice, the vase will receive a further additional 2d6 to its damage roll.

Ring of *splortch*

This ring causes you to _always_ fall at terminal velocity, regardless of how far you've fallen. This means maximum falling damage, even if you are walking down stairs. This can be overridden by riding down small drops on someone else's Tenser's Floating Disc (assuming they don't exceed the Disc's weight limit), being carried down (which requires a very high Strength check to counteract the extremely high downward pull), or with many stacked Slow Fall or Feather Fall spells (at least three, and the casters must be constantly focusing on the faller for a whole round).

Robe of Latency

The wearer of this robe feels as if he is not actually present, but is projecting themselves from across the world. When worn, the user must precede every action with a percentile roll. If said roll is below 50, the wearer's action is skipped due to the universe lagging. If the roll is above 50, user gets one extra turn due to everybody else in combat lagging.

Glass Pitcher-Shaped Armor

This suit of full-body armor can be worn on top of regular clothing, but no other armor may be worn due to temperature reasons. This armor is in the shape of a large glass pitcher and appears to be full of an undisclosed red liquid. The armor is adorned in regalia with a shape similar to a person's face with an enthused expression. Regardless of the orientation of the wearer, this liquid will not fall out of the pitcher. The liquid cannot be interacted with, as it is a magical illusion. The armor has the statistics of a suit of Dwarven stone armor, but has the additional ability to allow its wearer to crash through any dungeon wall, up to a thickness equal to that of the user's own walking speed, once per session. To invoke this ability, the wearer must shout, "OH YEAH!" and negate any Hide or Move Silently checks. Anything directly adjacent to the wall in question takes 2d10 crushing damage. Attempting to use this ability more than once in the same game session may result in the armor shattering, the red liquid spilling everywhere, and the floor becoming sticky.